We are all guilty of being selfish, self-centered or perhaps even been egotistical at times. But what is a narcissist?
Narcissist definition: Long-term patterns of behavior and attitudes that center around importance, disregard for others, a pathological need for admiration together with a distinct lack of empathy. People who are narcissistic have a preoccupation with achievement and success, money, perceived power, grandiosity, and self importance. They are highly manipulative and don’t think twice about using or taking advantage of other people for their own selfish gain. They are unable to ever really experience deep, authentic relationships with people.
A narcissist is an individual who at early childhood, did not get his or her primary needs met, ( neglect) , or received the opposite; parents or care-givers who over – compliment, or over -exaggerated the abilities of the child. They grow up unhealthy and develop a distorted method of getting their own way. Never do they self-reflect and see anything negative about their behavior. If anything, a narcissist will play victim and have you believing you’re at fault or what you believe isn’t true. ( gaslighting)
Signs Of Narcissistic Abuse
- They seem so perfect… at first
- You always feel like you’ve done something wrong
- Belittling
- Gaslighting – tries to get you to doubt your own perspective. Such as , insisting things you remember didn’t happen.
- Hoovering- attempts to reconnect, or pull you back into the relationship
- Silent treatment- purposely ignores you to control you or make you feel isolated.
These are a few tactics used by a narcissist that can confuse you, make you question your sense of reality, and damage your self-esteem.
Two Main Types of Narcissist
Overt: Often seen as, sauve, sophisticated, charismatic, confident, usually in some kind of position of power. They attract and seek to surround themselves by unsuspecting admirers. They excude, charm, charisma, confidence and sex appeal. They appear powerful , self-assured on the surface. They are typically very vain and extremely sensitive to actual or perceived rejection, criticism or blame. An overt narcissist is manipulative and often aggressive in an attempt to control others or get what they want. Anybody who dares crossing them will be met with rage. They seek to bully, harm or suddenly drop associates.
Covert: A little different than overt narcissism and more difficult to spot. Like an overt narcissist having a fragile ego and self-esteem, a covert narcissist comes across as more innocent and vulnerable. They can be softly spoken, seductive, gentle, unassuming, perhaps helpful in order to get their own needs met. At the core they are manipulative. They may be very generous, a tool later to be used as power and control over others. A covert narcissist will use health concerns ( real or imagined) to get sympathy, care or concern , or guilt-trip others as a way of gaining control and getting their needs met. This can also include using love or sex, as a form of control or manipulation.
Early Detection of Narcissistic Abuse
Love-bombing- Well, if it sounds too good to be true, it usually is. It takes time to develop relationships. A narcissist overwhelms you with affection and attention, compliments, praise and gifts in order to gain their interest and “love”. Their motive is to manipulate and control.
Isolation: Isolates their victims from friends and family. ( taking away your support group)
Exploitation : Taking advantage and using others to serve their own gains and ambitions.
Finger pointing: A narcissist will never genuinely take responsibility for themselves. They are highly skilled at turning the focus onto someone else making others feel like they are at fault.
Boundary violation: Narcissists have no boundaries and very little respect, if any, for anyone else’s space or personal belongings. Their own wants or needs are always the priority.
Devaluation: Highlighting or pointing out other people’s flaws in order to knock the other person down, so they can feel better about themselves.
Emotional blackmail: Punishment, silent treatment, use of anger, aggression or threats.
The hope: Carrot dangling: Dangling things the narcissist knows its victim wants like, children or marriage, to string them along.
Recovery From Narcissistic Abuse
Bring the focus back to you. Take your time. Attend to your own needs.
Know your bait. A narcissist uses a technique called fishing. They will be attuned into using the exact bait to catch and reel their target in. What kind of bait leaves you vulnerable? For example, do you have a need to rescue, fix or repair? Are you neglecting or ignoring your own self-care needs or someone who habitually puts others first? Do you know enough about how you really feel, what you want or what your values are? Now is the time for self-examination.
Develop a loving healthy relationship with yourself. Be kind and supportive to yourself. Do things you enjoy and that are good for you. Allow yourself to make mistakes. Know your self-worth. Consider the role you played in the narcissistic abuse . ( your bait)
An empath is a narcissist’s playground. While you seek to understand them, realize they’re not going to change.
Set healthy boundaries: Make it clear to others what is acceptable for you and what is not. Communicate clearly: Be clear and straightforward in your communication. Keep it simple.
If at all possible Going “No Contact” . If you can completely cut contact with a narcissist , it may be best for your mental health.
After twelve years of being in a relationship with a narcissist, I was left feeling confused. How could someone be so indifferent to someone’s feelings, so belittling, amongst other things, yet dangled marriage to hold onto me. As an empath, part of me now understands how he is wired and why he was the way he was and at times, I shake my head and still feel bad for him. But bottom line, clearly we weren’t on the same page. I had to analyze myself to find out what attracted me to him in the first place and why I stayed in the relationship. It was his position in society and my low self-esteem, coupled with loneliness.
My advice: Take a bold leap forward. Sort your feelings out. Learn to love yourself.
Written by Wendye Savage
Author/ Confidence & Esteem Coach